Glimpses of spring have finally broken through, and even if the cold comes back, these few sunny days of fresh air have been enough to give me hope that the world won't be a grey, frozen tundra forever. I feel like every time spring rolls around, I realize how much of a hermit I've become during the winter months. It's like, "Oh yeah, this is what it feels like to go outside and see actual real live people."
Yesterday we opened up all the windows and cleared out all the dead air that was in the house. It made me feel like I could suddenly take on the world. Or maybe just a little fixer upper of a house. We found one that grabbed our attention this week and we're putting in a bid. Eek! If it goes through we'll be homeowners for the first time ever, and this gesture towards permanency does my heart some good. I kind of like the thought of it. And the property already has a wood shop just to the side of the house - I mean, seriously.....
But more than just the love of sunshine and blue skies, I think I needed a beam of hope this week to know that life is going to be okay. The amount of sickness, and cancer, and lost babies, and mom's who are fighting to keep their unborn babies has been astounding this winter. Every week there's been something new to add to my prayer list, and at some point I've just sat down and asked God what is going on? Heartbreaking news just keeps rolling in, and in so many instances I'm just left to hope and pray for a miracle because that's all that's left. I sit here and think of all the families I know who really are just sitting and waiting for a miracle, and it's been so heavy.
And not that good weather changes any of those circumstances, but it's a reminder that spring will come, that new life will start to grow again, and it isn't all just bitter cold and gloomy skies. It's difficult to embrace both the deprivation and fullness of life together as one whole. It's hard to see life as both and all encompassing. We'd like to see life as good and great, and the tragedies are things that weren't supposed to happen - things that don't belong - the glitches in our life story. I think I've been challenged with that lately. Challenged to embrace life wholly for what it is, and not for what I want it to be - to not separate the bad out as something that is "other" than life. Because life is both.
And I'll keep praying for miracles in all these lives and circumstances that are close to me - that spring will start to show up and breathe in a little hope and new life. But sometimes in those prayers, I've found it's easier to just sit with God - to lay it all out, and instead of striving and asking for it all to change, to just tell Him it's hard and it weighs heavy on my heart. And I've found that in doing so I end up trading anxious prayers for peace in a good God. Because there's already redemption, there's already hope, it's just on such a bigger scale than we're able to grasp sometimes.