September 30, 2013

   I underestimated how sentimental I would get about Rori no longer being an only child. Something within me just longs for these moments with her to never end - these moments that aren't chaotic, or rushed, or concentrated on someone else.  My one last glimpse of her before I go to bed has become longer and longer.  I stand there and gaze and pray - always wondering what I should be praying for.

   These moments I have with her, where I soak in her beautiful, sleeping face, they've offered me time to ponder. To search out what I really should want for our children. What I pray for them is so much of what my heart wants for their lives - what direction my mothering will push them. And I often find myself at a loss of what that is. What should I want for these great gifts God has endowed me with? What is the end goal in all of this life stuff? While I can get beyond the safe and happy life prayers, I find myself at a stand off for everything else. I'm convicted of selfishly wanting my children to have a high stake in God's kingdom. That their lives would count for great things that side of Heaven. That they would bring God glory. That their hearts would know Him and honor Him.

   And then there are moments when I stop and realize that it just can't be about them. My heart should want all those things because I want it for God not because I want it for my children. It becomes so difficult to recognize when I've begun to hold onto them too tightly - to know when they've become the center of my world. And every day I feel as though I get more and more wrapped up in them. I get wrapped up in Rori not being my only baby. I get wrapped up in the love I already have for this child I have yet to meet. I get wrapped up and turned around and my loyalties slowly shift.

   It's difficult to be a mother sometimes - to be handed the greatest gift and have to hold it always with an open hand - having it be your world and yet not letting it completely consume you......


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