The truth is, I've been thinking a lot about motherhood. It's plagued me for sometime, and I haven't had the where-with-all to find the right words. In all honesty the situation looks bleak - not mine - but the situation of motherhood in general. I see endless articles and postings about the woes and weariness of being a mom. And these aren't mom's complaining - it's simply self-expression and a need for honesty. And while it seems to be rampant on the internet, I don't have to go too far to wander into a conversation of similar despair in my own world.
The problem is, I'm a young mom. And I love being a mom. I love being with Rori, and I love watching her grow. I love being challenged to teach her well, and to realize that the easy way outs of discipline and neglect test me every day. But when I look around me and up ahead at the future, I don't see happiness. I see weary souls who could have used a lot more encouragement along the way, desperation that's crying to get out of the insanity but is never heard, and too many patterns set for the wrong reasons that have become a norm. By no means do I look ahead at all this and judge - I multiply my life now by 9 years and add 4 kids, and I can understand. But I don't really want to.
I was hoping that somewhere, in someone, I would find a better answer. I'd get to see joy and contentment in the life of raising kids. I was wanting to find someone who, though they've seen years of selflessness and hard work, can still offer peace and grace when they enter a conversation. Someone who shines with the beauty of wisdom from all her long years. Someone who is still in the throws of it all, but can step back and let the chaos rush down stream in order to find herself again.
I was hoping to find someone who can give me hope for the future - an example to show you don't have to give into the despair and lose yourself along the way. While I've seen glimmers, I'll admit, I've been disappointed. And my disappointment doesn't lie with other moms, but more so with our communities. Somewhere along the line, mothers were left on their own - unsupported, un-encouraged, and alone. And that life giving power that each person possesses was left dormant. I don't know what really happened, or if this is just how it's always been. But it's a sad state. It's been a somewhat sad world to enter and a little bewildering.
In all this, I haven't given up on finding that women I know exists somewhere. I'll find her - someday. And in the mean time I hope to do my part in spreading a little more joy and a little more of a break to the fellow mom's in my life. I hope that as our family grows we will turn the tide - not just in our family but in all the families we meet. And maybe someday, in the midst of sick kids, unmade dinners, and crying babies, I'll get a glimpse of that mom I've been looking for smiling back at me in the mirror.