I've found myself spending a lot of time in thought - so much so that I never want to write about anything because I'm thinking about everything.
I think about Rori. How she is so young and its easy to let the day to day stuff slip by. Days that just repeat themselves suddenly become unimportant and as a result unintentional. I catch us drifting into monotone and then desperately fighting against it. I remind myself often the days are important because SHE is important. And while I care less about keeping a schedule - I do care a lot about patterns. And patterns are set in the moment to moment of every day living. Patterns that dictate whether the sunrise is full of promise or gloom, patterns that show eating to be a task we strive against or a time of bonding we love, patterns that reveal playtime as mom's cop-out or a time of fun memories and discovery. I long to be intentional. To take into account what my actions teach her about life and about our relationship. I want to parent purposefully, and I see that disappear in the moments I'm frustrated.
I think about Brian. I think about what a great husband he is. How faithful he has been to care for me and to strive for what is good at all costs. He has worked hard. He hasn't given up. And he has loved like I've never seen. I couldn't be more proud of him. And like Rori, I wonder if I do him justice. I'd hope to be just as intentional. To make our home a place of rest for when he comes home. To have our relationship be a place of support and safety. To be a delight and source of strength in his life. I put far too little effort for my lofty ideals, and I long to change that.
I think about friendships. In that I think about community. Amid friends and good hang outs, there seems a disconnect at times. Is it me? Is it my high expectations? Or is it something more? And can it be something more? This one loses me. At times I think I know what I'm grasping for, but other times I don't. I take risks and let them lie - if anything a lack of expectations will let community thrive.
I think about life in general. I can't help but feel it's a passing breeze. I so often think it unimportant to a Grand Scheme yet at the same time vital. I vary so much in between the two. In light of me and who I am - just let it all go - let it fade. But for the place I take up in His kingdom - I desperately don't want that to slip away. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, Right? For now I'll stand on that.
Thoughts. These are my thoughts my friends. And these are just tips of the icebergs.
The end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God’s providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man.