April 16, 2012

Long Time Ago

Well it has been quite some time since I, Brian, have sat down to express my thoughts via blog, but now I believe is the time. As Kelly alluded to in her last post, we now have a new vehicle. I will write about that later. Today I would like to write about what is going on with my life.
As I feel most of our (3) readers know, I was in the Air Force. All I ever wanted to do was serve in the Armed Forces. Oh yeah, it was since 4th grade that I wanted to do that. Who ever knew what he/she wanted to do in life in 4th grade? Anyway, I obtained my goal, served as a second lieutenant for 11 months and 27 days before being involuntarily separated with an honorable discharge. Basically the Air Force was over manned, and I was in a place to be released, and the rest, they say, is history. Well I would like to think that the rest is history, but the fact is that I am still 24, and have a lot of life to live.

So we moved back to Michigan, and I was unemployed for a month before finding a job driving and delivering packages for FedEx Home Delivery. I work for a contractor who gets paid by FedEx. So I wear FedEx clothes, drive a FedEx truck, but dont work for FedEx. I really do not like it. We will just keep it at that.

That is where we are today. Still looking for a longer term job that has consistent pay, pretty much anywhere or anything that I qualify for. I have applied to over 125 jobs now, which seems like a lot, but really it has been since September, so in my head it is not that much.

When I found everything out back in September/October, and I knew I was coming home to Michigan, I felt this weird sense of shame. It was as if I had let all the people who were proud of me down. They all bragged about how I was saving the world, and now I am no longer in the service. It was a hard time for me, and people's comments to me didnt help, even though they were meant for good. "God just has a better plan," or "Something else will come up" were all comments people had in a way that just hurt more the more people said them to me. It was like they were saying "I know you have a really tough situation, and I dont know what to say right now, so I am going to say something supportive, but not extend my hand to help." (Disclaimer: there are people who have actually reached out to help in different ways) However, in saying that, a lot of people basically put me at an arms length while inadvertently saying God was pushing me away as well, and it made me feel more isolated.. I mean, what person wants to hear that it was God's plan to have the one thing I ever wanted taken from me? I had worked all those years, doing a crap-ton of stuff I hated to do to obtain this goal. And all I hear is that God has a plan? Does no one understand what just happened? I lost the only thing that I had worked for.

All I wanted to hear was a simple "I am sorry."

It did happen. I started hearing it from close friends who knew what it meant to me. From me pushing God away, and feeling alone, I knew something needed to change. I didnt totally shut God out: I knew that if I did, it would be a long time before I would ever get over my bitterness or even go to church again. I knew that church was where my support was, and I gave God another shot. I opened my heart to listen to His words, and not the ones creaming in my heart. I noticed over a period of a few weeks how my heart kept listening, and realizing that I had hardened my heart so much that I was hurting myself. It was not good.

It has been a few weeks since I have had that realization. I am not forcing God away anymore, and I have been more comforted lately. Dont get me wrong, Kelly and I are still taking punches all the time, and it hurts. However, I know God is on my side, and something awesome is coming. I just have to wait. And for right now, I am alright with that.

1 comment:

  1. I know that my husband and I can relate to this so well. It's really hard to have a dream or passion and to not see your self pursuing that. Even though everything doesn't make sense..... God really does have perfect timing ( this coming from me who has been waiting for four years for an answer and it FINALLY happened.) it will happen for you too and already has, it's just hard to see. I pushed GOd away for a long time - it didn't help.