Well it has been quite some time since I, Brian, have sat down to express my thoughts via blog, but now I believe is the time. As Kelly alluded to in her last post, we now have a new vehicle. I will write about that later. Today I would like to write about what is going on with my life.
As I feel most of our (3) readers know, I was in the Air Force. All I ever wanted to do was serve in the Armed Forces. Oh yeah, it was since 4th grade that I wanted to do that. Who ever knew what he/she wanted to do in life in 4th grade? Anyway, I obtained my goal, served as a second lieutenant for 11 months and 27 days before being involuntarily separated with an honorable discharge. Basically the Air Force was over manned, and I was in a place to be released, and the rest, they say, is history. Well I would like to think that the rest is history, but the fact is that I am still 24, and have a lot of life to live.
So we moved back to Michigan, and I was unemployed for a month before finding a job driving and delivering packages for FedEx Home Delivery. I work for a contractor who gets paid by FedEx. So I wear FedEx clothes, drive a FedEx truck, but dont work for FedEx. I really do not like it. We will just keep it at that.
That is where we are today. Still looking for a longer term job that has consistent pay, pretty much anywhere or anything that I qualify for. I have applied to over 125 jobs now, which seems like a lot, but really it has been since September, so in my head it is not that much.
When I found everything out back in September/October, and I knew I was coming home to Michigan, I felt this weird sense of shame. It was as if I had let all the people who were proud of me down. They all bragged about how I was saving the world, and now I am no longer in the service. It was a hard time for me, and people's comments to me didnt help, even though they were meant for good. "God just has a better plan," or "Something else will come up" were all comments people had in a way that just hurt more the more people said them to me. It was like they were saying "I know you have a really tough situation, and I dont know what to say right now, so I am going to say something supportive, but not extend my hand to help." (Disclaimer: there are people who have actually reached out to help in different ways) However, in saying that, a lot of people basically put me at an arms length while inadvertently saying God was pushing me away as well, and it made me feel more isolated.. I mean, what person wants to hear that it was God's plan to have the one thing I ever wanted taken from me? I had worked all those years, doing a crap-ton of stuff I hated to do to obtain this goal. And all I hear is that God has a plan? Does no one understand what just happened? I lost the only thing that I had worked for.
All I wanted to hear was a simple "I am sorry."
It did happen. I started hearing it from close friends who knew what it meant to me. From me pushing God away, and feeling alone, I knew something needed to change. I didnt totally shut God out: I knew that if I did, it would be a long time before I would ever get over my bitterness or even go to church again. I knew that church was where my support was, and I gave God another shot. I opened my heart to listen to His words, and not the ones creaming in my heart. I noticed over a period of a few weeks how my heart kept listening, and realizing that I had hardened my heart so much that I was hurting myself. It was not good.
It has been a few weeks since I have had that realization. I am not forcing God away anymore, and I have been more comforted lately. Dont get me wrong, Kelly and I are still taking punches all the time, and it hurts. However, I know God is on my side, and something awesome is coming. I just have to wait. And for right now, I am alright with that.