I've never considered myself a sickly person or someone with bad health, but now that I'm over two years in I'm starting to wonder if I should. I desperately don't want to admit it. And secretly I'm hoping that being pregnant has added to the mess and now that I'm into the 2nd trimester my body will start to work things out. Either way, it's been discouraging. It's discouraging that I pretty much have to pick one thing to do each day because my energy level won't allow for any more. It's discouraging that I've started to opt for tv shows over reading books or even my Bible because it takes so much brain energy to read. It's discouraging that the days I work everything else in the house gets left undone. It's hard not to be disappointed with myself.
Lately I've been putting worship on during my mornings because it helps me draw closer to God since my reading has been lacking. Which actually in itself is a disappointment because I've never agreed with that excuse. But yesterday I was able to pray without shame and without embarrassment that I've been such a loafer in life these last few months. I'm sick, and God knows that. And yesterday I didn't feel the need to be something more and I didn't feel like I should do more. I knew that I was doing everything I could and that was ok.
I guess I had been forgetting the character of God and how He doesn't demand us to be someone we can't be. He gave me a better glimpse of it when I got to work. I have a little two year old buddy who landed in my care yesterday. We've been buddies ever since he was sick and I've learned his little quirks - how he likes to be put to bed, what calms him down, what he means any time he talks - things like that. Well last night, for whatever reason, my little friend wouldn't sleep. He'd fall asleep and be up and crying in the hallway 10 minutes later. And normally he has to go back to bed, but I could tell something was different. So for my last hour of work he laid on my chest and I patted his back. And I fell so much more in love with the guy. And something within me understood that it was ok that he couldn't go to sleep tonight, that he needed something different. It didn't bother me at all and I absolutely loved spending the quite time with him.
And then I understood. I understood how God doesn't hold expectations over me just because it was something I was once able to do. He just loves me and understands where I'm at in the moment. And He takes joy in being the Comforter.